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Sports
Generic University is committed to molding "all around" students rather than just a sad bunch of dorks. Rather than try and compete with the big boys at "big" sports like football and basketball, however, we've developed a program of unique and uncommon sports that better suit our "renegade" attitude and severe budgetary constraints.
Sport Busking
Busking hasn't historically been regarded as a sport, nevertheless all our atheletes are required to dance frantically whilst thrashing an instrument they don't play properly and singing loudly to hostile crowds of irritated pedestrians. Boasting terrifying music, silly costumes and intense aerobic activity, sport busking has been favorably compared with aerobics itself. Plus, an added benefit is tips. As soon as any of our students receive any, this will prove a much-welcome boon to the program
Miniature Golf
After being arrested for trespassing full-size courses in the middle of the night, we were forced to cancel our previous golf program and "downsize" to minigolf. Keep in mind, however, that miniature golf is considered an actual competitive sport in some smaller European countries. And although they often forgo the fake windmills and marijuana, we're not ones to mess with tradition. This attitude has served us well, and last year one of our students reached the regional finals only to succumb to crippling paranoia and severe space-time distortion in the final match.
Marathon Drinking
The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche famously said "Whatever does not kill me makes me stronger" and although he suffered syphillis-induced dementia for ten years and died at a young age, we'd have to agree. Repeated exposure to risk and massive amounts of toxins are crucial for the survival of the species - weeding out the irresolute and wimpy. Recently we've discovered that combining our our marathon drinking program with our philosophy department results in a rich outpouring of creative speculation, spirited debate and violent punch-ups. Consequently we're planning to incorporate a boxing program here as well. Take that Nietzsche! Pow! We think he'd be happy to.
Automobile Repolympics
Great exercise! However, due to unresolved legal issues we're not allowed to comment on this program at this time.
Speed Eating
Most sports concentrate on the outer muscles of the human body, but did you know that your stomach is also a muscle? Of course - how else could one vomit with such force and projection? Our speed eating program honors the "inner musculature" of the human body by proving that athletics aren't only skin deep. The success of the program has quickly won us recogntion, awards and bankrupted the entire sports department. Please send us any leftovers, surplus shortening or frozen entrees you may have lying around ASAP.
Our sport busking program is second to none. Here Professor Mike Atkins shows a student the proper way to execute a "shimmy."
Unsportsmanlike conduct on the mingolf playing field is not only encouraged - it's part of the curriculum. Here Professor Matt Christie shows how to make the lanes sticky for the other team.
Visiting lecturer Ulli Nagelbett demonstrates his signature marathon drinking technique: "The Hoover Manoeuvre."
Double-forking, as demonstrated by grad student Christophe Ferrier, our current speed-eating champion.
